Several months have passed since I last updated my blog. The spring has come and gone and with it the mud from the winter snow. Summer came with it’s warmth and joy, busy with youth ministry. We had a successful King’s Kids Camp. Many youth experienced sharing their faith for the first time. The place: Izhevsk Russia. We partnered with a local church and had about 40 teens participating. It was an intense two weeks. I was very proud of all the staff that worked so hard. The Lord taught me a lot as a leader as well. After the camp we came back to Perm and took Josephine to the doctor. After several stressful weeks of exams, it’s confirmed that our baby girl has Spinal Muscular Atrophy.
The burden on my heart is indescribable. I feel myself reverting to the old habits I had when I was younger, when my mother was dying of cancer. I put myself through terrible guilt trips, periods of laziness, then periods of anger. I try and pray and call upon God, but feel distant, and wonder why this is happening. However, all these thoughts are from my emotions, from the pain of seeing my daughter limp and knowing she has a life expectancy of 2 years. I don’t know how to feel.
My head knows, God is good, God loves us, Jesus died for us, we are forgiven, God does not owe us anything, we are his creation, everything we have is mercy from him, in his hands are life and death, and nothing can separate us from his love. I know these things, but my heart ACHES at the sight of my daughter. It breaks every day. It hurts to look at her, to spend time with her, to lift her up, and every time she coughs and chokes I feel like screaming.
I look back at the past, how God pulled me through some very trialing times. Through my mother’s suffering and death, through a change in culture and calling to Russia, and a new family. Now with the destruction of what is so new and beautiful in my life… the slow suffering of it. The trial breaks me, I am broken, and being pounded more into dust every day.
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I am a sinful man. I am a missionary. I am a father. I am a husband. I am trying, to love you God.
The idea of leaving Russia and King’s Kids is a sad possibility. In order to come back to America and be closer with family and spend what time we have with Josie surrounded by love and help. The thought of remaining in Perm while Josie gets sicker and weaker shakes me with fear. I can’t imagine Lena and I being here without family near by. Although if we do move to America, Lena’s family will be even that much farther away. We are praying and waiting to see what and when is best to make that change.
I do love Jesus, he is my Lord and my strength. But I felt too complacent in the sprint to spend time with him, then in the summer I felt too busy, now I feel too ashamed. I know he is always there, arms open ready to hear my prayers. He isn’t a computer program, where I just enter my request and get the result I want. He is a living, loving, powerful, mysterious, God! And I am humbled and broken before him.
All his glory I see every day in the smile of my daughter Josephine.
